The Simon Safe After Fire Scare

Santa Monica- The Simon, beloved persona behind, The Daily Simon
was reported as “safe” and “in good spirits” after a fire alarm went off
Shortly after 1PM PST.
“The Simon has never been through a fire alarm” The Simon said.
“The Simon’s deep and fulfilled life, flashed before The Simon’s eyes.”
Santa Monica Firefighters on hand told TDS that the alarm was triggered by the 4th floor.
“Turns out, it was some goofball burnt his popcorn at Google” Kip the fireman reported
“Those guys are such tools. They’d burn water if you gave them the chance. Thankfully, all their meals are catered.”

The Simon's Thursday Quiz

Why Is The Simon Drinking?

A- Has PTSD from playing "Medal of Honor: Modern Warfare"
B- Trying new edgy persona
C- He works for Demand, it is in our blood
D-Heard it was Jodi "The Ice Queen's" Birthday, wants to join in celebrating her big day.

The Simon Wednesday Quiz

Why Does The Simon Like Wednesday so Much?
A- As an adult, the term "hump day" now has different connotation
B- Tuesday is such a drag
C- It's Meatloaf night at the The Simon compound
D- America's Next Top Model at 8PM on the CW- and three contestants are left, one is eliminated and the final two have their last test; a photo shoot for a magazine cover and a runway show!

The Simon Hooters Lunch Quiz

Why Does The Simon Love Hooters?
A-Hooters is one of the few restaurants that features a Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945,
which is an excellent pairing with the Lot's of Tots.
B-The Simon is a scout for Girls Gone Wild and Hooters is like how Cuba is for baseball talent
C-The Simon has personal vendetta with chickens and Tuesday's All-You-Can-Eat-Wing day
is a perfect way to even the score
D-The wings are delish

How Well Do You Know The Simon?

Which one of these links made The Simon laugh?

A- This Comic Con Video

B- This Comic Con Clip

C- A Clip about Comic Con

D- This Pic Showing a Dog and Orangutan as Best Friends Pic

D- All of the above

E- All of them...But, this looks like some sort of shameless plug. Have you no soul?

The Simon Presents: How to Cope With the Daily Commute

-Honk, that always works
-Listen to KCRW, take a shot every time Warren Olney says “Reporter’s Notebook”
-Bike…Just kidding, that’s a fool’s dream
-Use stressball to throw at annoying drivers
-Utilize power of book, ‘The Secret’ and wish for traffic to disappear
-Call in to Rush Limbaugh program and weigh in on issue of universal health care
-Try going in reverse
-Construct large yard catapult. Launch self to work
-Find secret highway that society’s elite only use
-Work from home

The Simon Presents: 10 Ways to Cope With Getting Old

In honor of Jeremy “JDawg” Reed’s 40th Birthday
1. Adopt youthful nickname like “JDawg”
2. Start every sentence with “In my day…”
3. Complain eggs are cold when eating breakfast at Denny’s
4. Knee bends, knee bends, knee bends
5. Move to house in Miami with Betty White and Rue McClanahan
6. Learn “Matlock” series, debate at duck pond
7. Start voting Republican
8. Throw off younger co-workers by using phrases like “Psych” and “Cowabunga”
9. Write a terse letter to the editor of local newspaper
10. Try not to comprehend any new technology

The Simon's Tips for Staying Cool at Work

-Wave arms frantically with tongue out while yelling “hot” over and over
-Keep cold Mountain Dew under each armpit
-See if WiFi reaches ocean. If so, go in ocean
-Pat brow with handkerchief while speaking with Southern accent
-Hire interns to fan you with giant palm leaf
-Talk about feelings with a cube-mate
-Report sun to HR
-Pre-freeze underwear before coming to work
-Sleep under desk
-Have icy conversation with Jodi Cararas

The Simon and the Case of the Ghostly Gum

Super sleuth The Simon has been tasked by the Demand Media Yard to find the culprit who has been leaving gum in the men's urinal.

The Simon has narrowed suspects to men. "Elementary, my dear." The Simon stated. Despite posted warnings, the Gummer has struck 2nd floor twice this week, almost taunting The Simon to find him.

"There is a serial gummist amongst us. But have no fear Demanders, The Simon will find him."

The Simon Addicted to Lingo Bingo

The Simon is hooked on the game Demand Media’s Lingo Bingo
Created by Anna Roth & Soren Bowie, the hit game takes DM’s everyday jargon, lingo and hot button language and spins it into hours of fun.
"Allllright!" - The Simon of TDS
"Wordiriffic" - Liana Aghistanijuanian of Content
"Friggin' rulez my house" - Seun Kim of HR

The Simon Successfully Turns On Lava Lamp

Santa Monica- After 5 days of delays, The Simon finally got his Lava Lamp, The Endeavour, working on Wednesday, the eve of the 40th anniversary of the first lighting of a Lava Lamp by some dirty hippies in Haight Ashbury. "Turns out, the bulb was out." The Simon announced "Now, it works." The Simon then stared at the lamp for the next hour and a half.

The Simon Defends Lunch Choices

The Simon found himself on the hotseat as The Simon firmly defended his 'NO' vote during the Lunch Survey.
The Simon, labeled by Pro 2 lunch’ers, as an “activist eater” and “biased towards veggies”
said those accusations were completely unfounded and added:
"All Demanders should have four free lunches per month, it is in our inalienable right as DM employees…as long as Panda Express is not on the menu."

The Simon Consoles a Heartbroken Jessica Simpson

"No Jessica, you are pretty. Can I go to bed now?"

Up all night, The Simon, tried to comfort somewhat pop-celebrity, Jessica Simpson, after she was dumped by Dallas Cowboys' Quarterback, Tony Romo. "Uh, she won't stop crying." A sleep deprived The Simon said. "She keeps muttering the number '9' (Romo's jersey number) she sounds like a bad Beatles song."

The Simon Bag

Dear The Simon,

I’ve been cripplingly lonely lately, and have recently caught myself calling meetings just so I can have a half hour of human interaction (even if it is in the unflattering yellow glare of the Livestrong conference room). Is the old adage true that happy workers are productive workers, and if so, is it okay to use up employee time for my own selfish gain?

Sincerely,
Living Lonely, Not Strong


The Simon Says
Dear Living Lonely,
All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye. Get a massage with Dana Odom on the Thursday, July 17th. Massages always help The Simon. And remember, no bees, no honey; no work, no money.

The Simon Says

Dear The Simon,

My mother-in-law recently offer me her “extra” handicapped parking placard for my car, but I just don’t feel right using it. Then again, it would be pretty sweet to park up front at Costco.

Should I accept? What are the potential karmic repercussions?

Sincerely,
Handicaptor

The Simon Says
Dearest Handicaptor,
No one cares if you are miserable, so you might as well be happy.
But karma comes only when deserved, and then is as inevitable as destiny, for it is destiny.
If you go to Costco, The Simon recommends picking up the econ-o-pack of those Bagel Bites Pizzas. Man, those things rule.

Ask The Simon

Dear The Simon,

Lately, I have been feeling that I’m angrier than usual. I’m not sure why this is. My routine hasn’t changed much, although traffic has been really bad lately. I am just mad at everyone and everything all the time. Help. How can I control and balance my emotions?

Sincerely,

Regretfully Irate


Dear Irate,
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear. For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The Simon hopes that helps

The Simon Makes Guest Appearance on Home/Work

Santa Monica- The Simon appeared today on the hit Content Series "Home/Work".
Series creator, Jeremy "Mortimer" Reed was excited about DM A-Lister The Simon's star power.
"This is great" a nodding Reed told TDS. Home/Work writers Soren Bowie and Michael Alarcon echoed Reed.
“This makes our jobs freakin’ easy. The Simon is comedy gold.”

The International Odd Couple
Home/Work is about two men (Chai Ta and Johan Mengesha who play themselves)
who have never met, but decide to move in together in a small LA apartment.
At the same time, they both work together at a new media company.



Home/Work Theme Song (Think 80's TV Sitcom)
His name is Chai, a filmmaker,
a Seattle born Asian,
His name is Johan, a Swede Caporeia’er,
He’s half Caucasian,

They never met, strangers,
until this occasion,
Moving in because of their,
economic situation(s),

Home Work,
In need of separation,
Home Work,
Oh, the agitation,

Of living together,
Their lives are tethered

They’ve got a boss, quick to anger,
no hesitation,
Forces them to sit together,
processing application(s),

They’ve got a neighbor,
of the gigolo persuasion,
Making life a labour,
Works at a gas station,

Home Work,
In need of naturalization,
Home Work
Oh, the complication(s),

Of working together,
Their lives are tethered,
Their lives are tethered!

Home Work

The Simon Turns 26

Los Angeles- The nation celebrated The Simon's 26th birthday
on July 4th this year with various fireworks displays,
tasty barbecue's and sobriety checkpoints.
The Simon did 2.

Two Beers
Two Nurses
Two Singers

Female Fans Flock to The Simon

Serena -Serenades The Simon while Tom Dean reveals his talent for voyeurism.

Robyn "Red" Galbos- Actually wept when she met The Simon

Lina Ung- Soulfully slaps skin with The Simon

Lucy Nguyen- The rookie shows her love for The Simon...and Metallica.

Julie Campistron - 'High five' roughly translates to 'spit water in ear' en francais.