Simon Missing & Presumed Sick. Authorities Question Flu Virus

Authorities on Thursday questioned a Flu virus after The Simon called in sick to work. DM employees hoped to track down the particular strain of Influenza that could have made The Simon ill, forcing him use a valuable sick day. Witnesses claimed to see 100,000 flu bugs storm The Simon the day prior. 50,000 went inside to cause havoc the while the remaining lay in wait for Mucinex and chicken soup.

The Simon Drops Tiger

The Simon has dropped Tiger Woods’ as an IM buddy. It's the first major IM loss for the golfer in the wake of his cheating scandal and bizarre one-car crash.
The Simon released a statement Tuesday saying the move to discontinue his "Tiger-Talk" had nothing to do with the golfer's growing scandal and that the decision was made before Tiger's car crash and allegations of extra marital affairs.
“The Simon noticed a lot of SPAM coming from Tiger’s email address.” The Simon told TDS “The Simon simply wants Tiger to upgrade. The Simon had planned to do this weeks ago. Bad timing, that's all.”

The Simon...Cold

Instead of evacuating and saving himself, a gallant The Simon, chose to stay back and work. Despite arctic like conditions on the sixth floor (temps dipped into the low 60's) The Simon found a way to survive; The Simon used the frozen carcass of some random Modern Mom employees to hide in, a la Han Solo from The Empire Strikes Back.

The Simon Issues Weather Panic Warning

The Simon issued mandatory evacuation orders Monday for the offices on the 6th floor due to current and anticipated heavy rainfall and possible flooding or mudslides.

The Simon is expected to go door-to-door in the area to notify 6th floor occupants. “I ain’t leaving.” Feisty 6th floor occupant Ed Wirpsza told TDS. “Fiddlesticks to running. I’ve seen 2012. We’re finished.

Residents of the first and second floors will be advised to be prepared to evacuate should conditions warrant, according to The Simon Weather Panic Management Department.

Monday marked a very cold and wet start to the day for DM employees. The rain was strong and constant throughout the morning accumulating at least .00004 of an inch of rain.

The Simon OK After Car Crash

Santa Monica- Forget about a "suspicious package" that shut down Wilshire early Friday morning, the real news was that beloved DM icon, The Simon, was fine after being involved in a car accident Thursday evening. "Some lady in a BMW rear-ended me." A somewhat shaky The Simon told TDS. As a result, BMW's have been banned from going within 300 feet of The Simon and the woman who was at fault for the accident is currently being hunted for sport.

Search for Beta Fish Comes to Sad Tragic End

The Simon is investigating the death of a 1-month-old Baboosh whose body was found on the floor underneath Donna. Foul play has not been issued out and most everyone is considered a suspect.


Baboosh: In Repose

Baboosh, born Benjamin Jaffe, was a veteran character fish actor best known for his role as 'Baboosh' and trained with The Groundlings Theater. Baboosh is survived by his mother, Modern Mom. Baboosh was flushed at a private ceremony. Sarah Maclachlan performed.

Breaking News: Aqua Green Alert for Missing Beta Fish

A Monday hunt for evidence in the disappearance of an 1 month-old Beta Fish, failed to turn up any leads, authorities say.

Despite the efforts of one volunteer, no clues were found as to the whereabouts of "Baboosh" who was taken from the Modern Mom 6th floor office.

Search warrant affidavits indicated that stray cats who prowl the area near Demand Santa Monica, have been designated as 'felines of interest.'

"There was no evidence that clearly indicated that the and the cats we were looking at had anything to do with her disappearance," Donna of the Modern Mom told TDS. "Having served these warrants, we found nothing but some catnip, so we're pursuing other stray cats in the areas, perhaps even some seagulls or pelicans near the beach."

If you have any information on Baboosh, please call: 1-310-314-7600