Seasons Greetings From TDS

The Simon Demands Ball Down Low

The Simon let it be known to Demand, that The Simon got game. A 5'7" The Simon played more like 6'7" as he showed a dizzying array of low post moves taking Cracked's Dan "Death From Above" O'Brien to school in a friendly team building, pick-up game. The two decided to play while Death From Above was waiting for his computer to get fixed. "He's a ferocious competitor." Death told TDS. "He would score on me then inquire about the status of my mother. I had no idea he that knew her. It really got in my head."

"Biff" Bowie to Take The Simon's Date to DM Party

Soren "Biff" Bowie, the resident DM alpha male, preyed in on a sick The Simon and is now taking The Simon's date to the DM's "Enchantment Under the C:Drive" Dance. "Hey McThe Simon, your shoe's untied." Biff told The Simon.

Simon Missing & Presumed Sick. Authorities Question Flu Virus

Authorities on Thursday questioned a Flu virus after The Simon called in sick to work. DM employees hoped to track down the particular strain of Influenza that could have made The Simon ill, forcing him use a valuable sick day. Witnesses claimed to see 100,000 flu bugs storm The Simon the day prior. 50,000 went inside to cause havoc the while the remaining lay in wait for Mucinex and chicken soup.

The Simon Drops Tiger

The Simon has dropped Tiger Woods’ as an IM buddy. It's the first major IM loss for the golfer in the wake of his cheating scandal and bizarre one-car crash.
The Simon released a statement Tuesday saying the move to discontinue his "Tiger-Talk" had nothing to do with the golfer's growing scandal and that the decision was made before Tiger's car crash and allegations of extra marital affairs.
“The Simon noticed a lot of SPAM coming from Tiger’s email address.” The Simon told TDS “The Simon simply wants Tiger to upgrade. The Simon had planned to do this weeks ago. Bad timing, that's all.”

The Simon...Cold

Instead of evacuating and saving himself, a gallant The Simon, chose to stay back and work. Despite arctic like conditions on the sixth floor (temps dipped into the low 60's) The Simon found a way to survive; The Simon used the frozen carcass of some random Modern Mom employees to hide in, a la Han Solo from The Empire Strikes Back.

The Simon Issues Weather Panic Warning

The Simon issued mandatory evacuation orders Monday for the offices on the 6th floor due to current and anticipated heavy rainfall and possible flooding or mudslides.

The Simon is expected to go door-to-door in the area to notify 6th floor occupants. “I ain’t leaving.” Feisty 6th floor occupant Ed Wirpsza told TDS. “Fiddlesticks to running. I’ve seen 2012. We’re finished.

Residents of the first and second floors will be advised to be prepared to evacuate should conditions warrant, according to The Simon Weather Panic Management Department.

Monday marked a very cold and wet start to the day for DM employees. The rain was strong and constant throughout the morning accumulating at least .00004 of an inch of rain.