Seasons Greetings From TDS

The Simon Demands Ball Down Low

The Simon let it be known to Demand, that The Simon got game. A 5'7" The Simon played more like 6'7" as he showed a dizzying array of low post moves taking Cracked's Dan "Death From Above" O'Brien to school in a friendly team building, pick-up game. The two decided to play while Death From Above was waiting for his computer to get fixed. "He's a ferocious competitor." Death told TDS. "He would score on me then inquire about the status of my mother. I had no idea he that knew her. It really got in my head."

"Biff" Bowie to Take The Simon's Date to DM Party

Soren "Biff" Bowie, the resident DM alpha male, preyed in on a sick The Simon and is now taking The Simon's date to the DM's "Enchantment Under the C:Drive" Dance. "Hey McThe Simon, your shoe's untied." Biff told The Simon.

Simon Missing & Presumed Sick. Authorities Question Flu Virus

Authorities on Thursday questioned a Flu virus after The Simon called in sick to work. DM employees hoped to track down the particular strain of Influenza that could have made The Simon ill, forcing him use a valuable sick day. Witnesses claimed to see 100,000 flu bugs storm The Simon the day prior. 50,000 went inside to cause havoc the while the remaining lay in wait for Mucinex and chicken soup.

The Simon Drops Tiger

The Simon has dropped Tiger Woods’ as an IM buddy. It's the first major IM loss for the golfer in the wake of his cheating scandal and bizarre one-car crash.
The Simon released a statement Tuesday saying the move to discontinue his "Tiger-Talk" had nothing to do with the golfer's growing scandal and that the decision was made before Tiger's car crash and allegations of extra marital affairs.
“The Simon noticed a lot of SPAM coming from Tiger’s email address.” The Simon told TDS “The Simon simply wants Tiger to upgrade. The Simon had planned to do this weeks ago. Bad timing, that's all.”

The Simon...Cold

Instead of evacuating and saving himself, a gallant The Simon, chose to stay back and work. Despite arctic like conditions on the sixth floor (temps dipped into the low 60's) The Simon found a way to survive; The Simon used the frozen carcass of some random Modern Mom employees to hide in, a la Han Solo from The Empire Strikes Back.

The Simon Issues Weather Panic Warning

The Simon issued mandatory evacuation orders Monday for the offices on the 6th floor due to current and anticipated heavy rainfall and possible flooding or mudslides.

The Simon is expected to go door-to-door in the area to notify 6th floor occupants. “I ain’t leaving.” Feisty 6th floor occupant Ed Wirpsza told TDS. “Fiddlesticks to running. I’ve seen 2012. We’re finished.

Residents of the first and second floors will be advised to be prepared to evacuate should conditions warrant, according to The Simon Weather Panic Management Department.

Monday marked a very cold and wet start to the day for DM employees. The rain was strong and constant throughout the morning accumulating at least .00004 of an inch of rain.

The Simon OK After Car Crash

Santa Monica- Forget about a "suspicious package" that shut down Wilshire early Friday morning, the real news was that beloved DM icon, The Simon, was fine after being involved in a car accident Thursday evening. "Some lady in a BMW rear-ended me." A somewhat shaky The Simon told TDS. As a result, BMW's have been banned from going within 300 feet of The Simon and the woman who was at fault for the accident is currently being hunted for sport.

Search for Beta Fish Comes to Sad Tragic End

The Simon is investigating the death of a 1-month-old Baboosh whose body was found on the floor underneath Donna. Foul play has not been issued out and most everyone is considered a suspect.


Baboosh: In Repose

Baboosh, born Benjamin Jaffe, was a veteran character fish actor best known for his role as 'Baboosh' and trained with The Groundlings Theater. Baboosh is survived by his mother, Modern Mom. Baboosh was flushed at a private ceremony. Sarah Maclachlan performed.

Breaking News: Aqua Green Alert for Missing Beta Fish

A Monday hunt for evidence in the disappearance of an 1 month-old Beta Fish, failed to turn up any leads, authorities say.

Despite the efforts of one volunteer, no clues were found as to the whereabouts of "Baboosh" who was taken from the Modern Mom 6th floor office.

Search warrant affidavits indicated that stray cats who prowl the area near Demand Santa Monica, have been designated as 'felines of interest.'

"There was no evidence that clearly indicated that the and the cats we were looking at had anything to do with her disappearance," Donna of the Modern Mom told TDS. "Having served these warrants, we found nothing but some catnip, so we're pursuing other stray cats in the areas, perhaps even some seagulls or pelicans near the beach."

If you have any information on Baboosh, please call: 1-310-314-7600

EXECUTIVE Larry Plays Displays Out of the Box Thinking With Spaghetti

Not wanting to lose out to Poobah Colo and attempting to counter Queen Cararas' southern feast, EXECUTIVE Larry left out a pan of spaghetti in a highly trafficked The Simon area.
"Come and get it" EXECUTIVE Larry said while pantomiming a dinner bell."It was delicious. I ate half of it. How can he resist?" Larry then hid behind the couch waiting for a passing The Simon.

Queen Cararas Knows Way to The Simon's Heart

Queen Cararas: A shrewd business woman

The Simon stuffs his face

Queen of the 2nd Ward, Jodi Cararas,
using her powers of black magic and fried foods appears to have gained The Simon's ear.
Cararas critics have suggested Queen has put The Simon under her spell.
Queen Cararas stuffed The Simon's belly with a southern feast of fried chicken, gumbo, jambalaya and etouffee.
"Ah do declare, The Simon is mine." Queen Cararas said while sipping on a mint julep and fanning herself lying on her fainting couch.
“Lordy, this humidity is atrocious.”

A somewhat groggy The Simon had this to say:
"When The Simon is on Twitter, The Simon loves to follow Travels.com
and thinks you should too. http://twitter.com/travelsdotcom.
Did The Simon mention Travels.com?"

The Simon & Colo Acquire Beef n Cheddar

TDS icon The Simon and DM Poobah Shawn "Kid" Colo have reached an agreement to acquire a delicious Beef-n-Cheddar sandwich from fast food chain, Arby's, for an undisclosed price, subject to drive-thru approval of window guy, Hector.

The Beef n Cheddar will be cut in half and become part of Simon/Colo Services, which is a unit of The Simon & Colo's Food Management's U.S. division, the Santa Monica-based company announced Tuesday from the Lincoln and Arizona Arby's. The Keith was not a part of the acquisition.

Breaking News: Appendix Kicked Out of McCutchen

McCutchen seen here with her appendix

Santa Monica- After abusive behavior, Jessica McCutchen's appendix, Stanley the Appendix Kowalski,
was kicked out of her body good, for causing, what authorities say,
"acute pain" to Studio Content Editor, Ms. McCutchen and her general well being.
"I'm not even sure what Stanley Appendix did for a living, he had no real function." Said friend Robyn Galbos
who was with Ms. McCutchen when her appendix started to act up.
"But we're all sitting there, having a good time and this jerk appendix starts bringing pain for like 6 to 10 hours."
Stanley the appendix was given a Temporary Restraining Order by Santa Monica courts,
but it did not stop the tissue was taunting Ms. McCutchen.
"This isn't over, woman." Stanley the appendix said, "You hear me? I’ll be back.!"

Demand Media would like to wish Ms. McCutchen a speedy recovery.

HR Steps In as Viable Contender for The Simon's Soul

Putting themselves into The Simon's soul sweepstakes, the uber talented group of misfits, better known as Human Resources (HR) has thrown their collective hat into the ring for a piece of the TDS pie. "We're hoping The Simon will advertise the DM Picnic '09!." HR Staffer Elly Levin told TDS, "We're hoping the new Espresso machine on the sixth floor greases his wheels. If you know what I mean."
Demand Media Blog lobbyist were quick to fire back
"They want a bidding war, they got one." EXECUTIVE Larry roared. "The DM blog will BBQ their little BBQ held on Saturday October 3rd, 11AM at Cheviot Hills Park It's guaranteed fun for the whole family! The picnic will be fully catered by The Outdoor Grill who will be grilling up some of the best BBQ around. But clearly, not nearly as cool as blog.demandmedia.net."

Gadhafi's Speech Doesn't Help The Simon's Choice

In his first U.N. appearance, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi issued a slashing attack on EXECUTIVE Larry's move to advertise blog.demandmedia.net on TDS. The attack puts The Simon in an awkward position. "If The Simon decides against advertising blog.demandmedia.net in TDS, then The Simon appears to side with Gadhafi. That doesn't look good. That guy's a douche."

The Simon: Will He Sell Out?

EXECUTIVE Vice President Larry Fitzgibbons, has offered The Simon riches, meat and drink for a chance to advertise blog.demandmedia.net/ in TDS.
The Simon, a man of constant integrity and rock solid morals, was hesitant; "Many The Simon thinks The Simon is buying pleasure, when The Simon is really selling The Simon to it. Why Should The Simon loan his soul to blog.demandmedia.net/
From his chinchilla carpeted office EXECUTIVE Larry is optimistic about advertising blog.demandmedia.net/ in TDS. "He'll capitulate, nobody turns an offer from EXECUTIVE Larry down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish my lunch of baked Bald Eagle off."

Homeless Man Constructs Skyscraper Next to The Simon's Work Area

The Simon, who recently moved to the sixth floor, was enjoying his new office when Homeless Pete, a local vagrant, started piling up empty Sanyo boxes next to The Simon.
Despite letters of protest to City Hall from The Simon and clear violation of zoning laws, it has not stopped the new hobo high rise from being constructed.
"He's connected to some very powerful people in Santa Monica" The Simon told TDS.

Heckling Representative Interrupts Open Enrollment

The Simon accepted Assurant Representative's apology for shouting, "You lie!" when The Simon claimed to have no cavities during Open Enrollment.

The Simon said Thursday that the representative apologized "quickly and without equivocation" and Assurant PR told TDS the shout-out was "spontaneous."

"We all make mistakes," The Simon told TDS "And The Simon has some clean teeth, yo."

The Simon Has Moved

Beat reporter Joe “Peter Parker” Perez gets The Simon to open up about his new nest, perched up on the 6th floor.

Station Fire Spreads to The Simon's Computer

Despite having a firewall, California wildfires spread to The Simon's computer on Tuesday. "Dry weather conditions, excessive amounts of alcohol heavy Germ-X Hand Sanitizer and a having a high speed internet connection creating the perfect storm allowing this to happen." said Mike Dietrich of the U.S. Forest Service. "We're just happy The Simon is safe." Surveying the damage, The Simon sifted through charred Apple Jacks and burnt cans of Mountain Dew.

The Simon Concerned About Apple Jack Levels

"These boxes may not last through the week." A somber The Simon reported to the entire Dev. team. Heads were hung low as many wondered how they will cope without their daily bowl of Apple Jacks. Some are contemplating leaving Demand and actually walking outside to Whole Foods. "That place has healthy food, it would be a fool's journey!" Members of the mob quickly pointed out. Apple Jacks tycoon Tim Edmundson, who has been accused manipulating AJ supplies, had no comment.

The Simon Inspirational Posters

HALLWAYS-
Hopefully, Those Creepy Twins From “The Shining” Are Not at the Other End

The Simon Watches Impassioned SEO Jeff Spontaneously Combust

Uttering the phrase 'Tell me more about SEO' led The Simon to inadvertently witness deadly consequences
as SEO enthusiast Jeff Grant exploded in a passionate glorious flame while explaining the virtues of having strong SEO.
The Simon was baffled. "The Simon just asked him about optimizing Mania, Jeff was pretty excited to begin with,
then he turned red and then just friggin' exploded into tiny Jeff pieces who were all somehow all talking about SEO.
Madness, The Simon says. Madness."

The Simon's Personal Driver Raises Serious Concerns

Mr. Buttersworth

The Simon reports to Mr. Buttersworth on traffic conditions

With mounting frustration towards the daily commute, The Simon hired his neighbor's pet Labrador, Mr. Buttersworth, to drive him to work. "The Simon saw one of those guide dogs helping a blind man." The Simon said, "So, The Simon figured, how hard could driving be? Labs are smart dogs." The Simon said that Mr. Buttersworth is as good as most LA drivers, but will occasionally veer off course to chase squirrels.

The Simon Digs Clif Bar Nano

Electronics guru, Joe Perez, recently got The Simon into the new Clif Bar Nano. "Not only is this thing loaded w/ vitamins and other Livestrong-type-crap" Joe P told The Simon, "but you can also get like 100 songs on that thing." The Simon and Joe P bumped fists, blew them up and then enjoyed listening to "Maneater" by Hall and Oates for the greater portion of the afternoon.

The Simon Enjoys Meaty Beveridge

The Quarter Pounder, apparently, now comes in liquid form.

The Simon Wants to Know...

William...What's in the box??? What's in the boooxxx???

The Daily Simon: Pilot Season

With DM icon, The Simon, out today, TDS decided to let DM staff pitch shows to the community.

The Nightly Nader
I break my finger.
It hurts to type.
I break my finger while playing the volleyball.
Curse you Tourkow, I blame you.
I like cats.

Show #2-

Quandt's Quarterly Quiz Time
Question #1- What team rules the earth?
Question #2- What team could destroy the universe?
Question #3- What team could beat God if God played college football and also played in the Pac-10 or scheduled a Non-conference game?

The Simon: American Hero

Santa Monica- The Simon got a bit testy on Thursday, when Human Resources tried to remove
The Simon's makeshift slingshot from his cubicle on Thursday.
"You will get The Simon's slingshot, when you pry it out of Simon's dead, cold hands."
A steely eyed The Simon told HR, who quickly retreated and then broke off for a two hour lunch.
A lifelong member of the NSSA (National Slingshot Association- headquarted in Austin, Texas),
The Simon said that is merely protecting The Simon's personal computer files.

The Simon Sticks It to the Swine Flu

Take that Swine flu! Not willing to be intimidated by the H1N1 virus and wanting to get a healthy buzz on, The Simon did shots of Germ-X on Wednesday. Germ-X not only could root out any possible Swine flu virus lurking deep inside The Simon's body, but also contains 63% alcohol. The Simon described the taste of Germ-X as "Creme de Minthe-esque, but better tasting."